Totally Hooked

I love crafts. I mean LOVE them.
I have card making stuff, fabrics, an embroidery machine, boxes of cross stitching gear, decopage etc. You name it, I've probably tried it at some point lol.
My latest love is crochet. I'd tried and failed to crochet a couple of times in the past, just couldn't get it; and i'd always been jealous of the pictures of pretty yarns I'd seen friends post around (I defo can't knit!). So last september I thought I would give it another go. Out came the youtube videos and a hook, and away I went. Somehow through sheer luck of finding some great videos I soon got the hang of it and within a month I was making gloves, and hats, scarfs and allsorts! I was well and truely hooked! (haha)

Unfortunately my hands are something I have particular problems with, right from a young age I'd have random episodes of butterfingers as it were. Dropping stuff randomly and loss of control. These days the pain and stiffness add to top that, and I find on bad days I cannot pick up my hooks, no matter how badly I want to. Those days are difficult. At least when I have my hands on bad days, I can sit and crochet or draw (another huge love of mine) and it doesnt take up vast energy etc, and creating beautiful things cheers me up. But when even that is impossible leaves little light in the darkness.

Leanring to make barbie dresses = one happy 4yr old lol

So proud of my crochet doll ^^

I can't cook omelettes

So in an attempt to sort my weight and well life out, ive been trying to eat and cook healthier. Which after all should benefit my whole family!
On the most part I have taken an active step to find more meals which are not carb based, which isn't easy, particulary on a budget. But it has made me find some really interesting meals, a couple of which are now in our regular rotation :) Things that sound weird and then when you try them are amazing like meatballs in butternut squash !

Butternut squash and meatballs nom

It doesn't look like much, it sounds a bit weird, but my goodness it is delicious and suprisingly filling! It also only cost something like £3 to feed me and my family (2 adults and 2 children) which is cheap! *could be even cheaper if I made my own meatballs too*

Another new favourite of ours is Shakshuka, which is basically eggs cooked in a tomato based sauce, with lots of yummy spices etc. Simple, cheap and really really tasty!

Shakshuka served with side salad

But no matter how much I try, I just cannot make the cheap, simple, omelette! I end up with a broken up, eggy mess, I like to coin my eggopolypse! But the kids like it so I guess thats all that matters!!

Two Blondies

I have two beautiful girls, who are my world. P who is 4 almost 5 (april) and K who is 20months, and they most certainly rule my world lol.
Growing up I always knew that I wanted children and as I got older that thought cemented within me. I used to think maybe one boy and one girl would be nice and never had any specifics as to which came first. That was, until I became pregnant. It was then that I desperately wanted a girl, and even when I was told they thought it was a girl the paranoia set in. What if it turns out to be a boy? What if I dont love him? We couldn't even settle on a boys name, we only had a girls. Part of me likes to think it's because deep down somewhere, psychic or biological, I knew I was having a girl, but my did I feel guilty about those feelings. And when I got pregnant the second time an overwhelming want for another girl took over, once again we were told a girl (and we have a very VERY clear view I tell you lol!) but still the guilt and paranoia was there.
Maybe I knew? I don't know, maybe I was just lucky. I can certainly see how gender disappointment could come about, as I honestly could not say how things would have been if one had turned out to be a boy. But here I am, with my two beautiful girls, who I love more than anything.
Whoops, i didnt mean to write such a heavy hot topic post! It's funny how thoughts and musings come out some times.

Ongoing Battles of The Bulge

One thing that has haunted me for many years, is my weight.
I have never really been happy with the way I looked, always slightly awkward and geeky growing up, not really realising I was actually quite slim etc.
Then after having my two daughters I have found myself at the heaviest and largest of my life. And it really depresses me.
I have tried many diets, regimes and tricks over the years, not really getting very far if at all. I even started a blog just over a year ago, in an attempt to spur myself on through self public confession and partial humiliation. But even that didnt work. I lost a stone on weight watchers shakes and have been stagnent ever since. Even pre baby weight alludes me and I wasn't even happy at that.
So here I am now, at least two sizes bigger than I want to be and several stone over. With a condition that limits the amount of exercise I can do and often leaves me in the mood for comfort eating. And I know I should stop, eat better, move when I can. But self control has all but disappeared and I dont know how to get it back.

But I have changed, or at least started to change one thing and that's our diet in this household. Less carbs and bread and sweets and more fresh veg and meat and fruit and all the good things. I'm learning interesting meal ideas and enjoying (most of the time) cooking proper meals in an evening for my little family. I have yet to see any benefit in my weight but I am hoping, at least, that we will all be healthier for it.
And hey, I may even share some of the interesting tasty finds I make :)

Ironically Forgetting to Mention

The other side of FMS is "fibro fog", which basically is like a fuzz in the brain, or at least that's how it feels to me.
I forget things; like words, or sentences, or that I was even talking about something in the first place. The other week I even forgot how to spell my daughter's middle name. It was the worst feeling.
But it's forgetting about things I want (or need) to do that makes me sad, like birthday outings and get togethers. I don't mean to, I want to be there. But I guess people just give up on me, not really knowing what it's like. Or they just think I don't care or can't be bothered.
It hurts so much :(
Sometimes it's just hard because I used to be quite intelligent, I knew stuff, a lot of it quite random, but stuff. Now I have conversations sometimes and I'll be sat there knowing I know something in the deep dark delves of my brain, but I can no longer access it. It's like I have all these draws, with all the things I know in them, and every day the fibro randomly locks some of these draws and laughs as I frantically try to break into them. Everyday choosing different ones to torment me with.

So that's me, little miss forgetful, and I forgot to mention this in my last post....ironic

Living with Chronic Illness

For about half my life so far I have suffered from CFS and as of 2014 I was also formally diagnosed with FMS (fibromyalgia) after a 10yr battle with doctors to listen to me.
But what does that mean? Well mostly that im tired and in pain, all the time. Sometimes just a little, sometimes alot. Im not talking the odd ache here or niggle there, im talking bone deep, full body total, can lay you up in bed pain. Pain that doesnt stop no matter the pain killers and drugs they put you on. A constant.
Up until a few years ago I thought it was normal, that not being in some sort of pain on a daily basis didnt exist and everyone pretty much felt that way. Especially after being fobbed off by doctors for so many years saying "you're just depressed" or sleep more, sleep less, exercise more, relax more yadda yadda. The constant contradictions and miracle tablets that didnt work of people not willing or unable to listen.
Then there's the tiredness, and in all honesty that's the thing that gets me the most, the pain I can work through, mind over matter on the not so bad days and get through it for things I really want to do, pacing myself etc and knowing the day after alot of activity there will be more.
But the tiredness I cant work through, there's just no way of gaining more energy when you start the day with none. We've all been there, maybe after an all nighter (be that a party,work or baby!) or the end of an over active day. But imagine waking up like that all the time, whether you have 1 hour sleep or 10. Whether you rest all day or not it just doesnt seem to make a difference. On the bad days you wont make that get together no matter how much you want to. You'll miss meet ups and parties, outings and birthday meals because the exhaustion is just too much to even get dressed let alone out the door.
So mostly I shut myself away, the hermit no one really misses all that much. Maybe they think I dont care, or cant be bothered, and nothing is further from the truth and yes it does sadden me from time to time. Especially when we dont even get invites to things anymore. The real friends, the ones that understand or at least try still do though and I guess thats all that matters, as they know if its a good day, i will be there, with bells on :)

The surprise is there's nothing in it but turnips

I've had a few blogs in the past and to be honest i'm pretty terrible at remembering to keep it up!

So here I am with a fresh start, and that's what i'm hoping this year will bring, a fresh start.

And not so many turnips.